How To Fail In Order To Be Free

I come from a family of FreeRiders – I’m the youngest of 5. My siblings took to the mountain like they were born to it. From an early age I remember them excitedly talking about their amazing FreeRide experiences. Painting lines on steep Couloirs, floating through fields of powder and chasing each other through alpine forests. They’d come back from each day with huge smiles on their faces and tons of chatter. Meanwhile I was making frustratingly slow progress, repeating levels of ski school whilst trailing around at the back of the ESF SNAKE. 

Evil twin sisters of misery

They’d raced through ski school and I SO wanted to follow in their tracks. Unfortunately, things didn’t come so easily to me. Something was holding me back. This unspoken menace came in two forms, the fear of falling and the fear of failing. I don’t know why I was cursed with these evil twin sisters of misery, but I was. Eventually, I graduated from ski school, I knew the theory, I had the basis of good technique, but I certainly hadn’t said farewell to the sisters. I tried desperately to overcome them by pushing them down, but the more I did the stronger they became. I can still recall exactly how it felt when the sisters were going to make an appearance, and how things would play out during their visit.

EVERYTHING IS A PROBLEM

We’d usually be heading up the mountain to tackle something new or something out of my comfort zone. I’d know they were coming so I’d try to prevent their poison by talking to myself in a really positive way, like, “yeah I can do this”, “I got this”, “I’ve nailed steeper lines before”. However, it wouldn’t be long before they’d start dripping poison in my ears, gradually increasing in volume and frequency. “The conditions are too challenging for YOU”, “YOU don’t have the skills for this”, “It’s too steep for YOU”. I’d exit the lift station with the sisters’ voices filling my ears. I’d feel my energy levels plunge, my feet become heavy and slow. It would take me an age to clip into my skis and prepare for what lay ahead. I was in procrastination station. I’d start to panic a little, looking for any way to delay heading to the top of the line. Finally, I’d make it there, but things would quickly move from bad to worse. I’d try to get on top of my nerves and focus on the task ahead but looking over the top would flip a switch marked EVERYTHING IS A PROBLEM. The voices of the sisters started to amplify, “YOU can’t do this! YOU can’t do this! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!”. I’d try to shut them out; I’d try to find a calming breath but that was lost to me.

Eventually, through sheer strength of will I’d force myself to scope out my first turn. Another wave of fear and anxiety would run over me. Now the feelings wouldn’t only be in my head, they’d be strong and physical. I’d feel a cold rush of blood coming from my heart and filling my whole body. The cold wouldn’t last long because it would be overtaken by a powerful rush of heat that ran from my head to my toes. It was at this point that I’d know I was in REAL trouble, but I was out of all realistic choices except for making that first turn.

My FreeRide dreams felt more and more distant

Feeling like I was frozen to the spot, I’d try again for a deep breath, draw on all my willpower, close my eyes(!), push over the edge and make my first turn. This felt horrendous, a blind frenzy of panic and fear. I’d lost the battle for control. Panic, Panic, Panic. I’d immediately push all my remaining strength down through my knees and turn my upper body down the mountain, not to initiate the next turn but to make an emergency stop. This was when I knew it was Game Over. I’d try to compose myself; gasping for a breath and fighting back the tears forming from fear and frustration. Survival was now my priority. I felt beaten and dismayed and with every side-step my FreeRide dreams felt more and more distant.

Still, I wasn’t going to let them beat me, I decided I needed to find a new strategy. Maybe the secret lay with my siblings. I thought back to when they were learning. The clearest memory I had was seeing them falling, getting back up, trying something beyond their skill level, failing and falling again. It was suddenly clear that they knew how to fail and felt no shame or frustration, which allowed them to learn quickly from their mistakes. It also dawned on me that all the time I’d been focused on not falling I was actually failing. Failing to find the mental freedom that would allow me to live in the moment and love the feeling of ‘falling’ from one steep turn into another. The only person holding me back was me, it wasn’t the voices of the sisters I could hear, it was my own. I realised that my feelings were being driven by my emotions and in turn they were being led by my thoughts. Thoughts that I controlled! 

In general, I wouldn’t describe myself as an open person, I don’t readily share how I feel with others. So it was particularly surprising that the final piece in the jigsaw of overcoming my fear, was a result of sharing my feelings with others. I found out that many people I knew had felt something similar to me. Knowing that they had found their own way through was inspirational. Knowing I wasn’t alone was uplifting and gave me the strength to persevere, when things felt tough. 

I found the feeling of being free

I’m not going to pretend that changing my approach was straightforward, quick or easy or that I didn’t take several backward steps along the way. I did, however, commit to myself that I was going to keep trying until I found the feeling of being free on the mountain and that I did.

I wish I had learned these lessons earlier, but I didn’t. Maybe I wasn’t ready. What I can tell you is that these lessons helped me progress from the terrified amateur skier, into the confident 13-year-old FreeRider that I am now. 

I feel relaxed and capable

When we head up the mountain now, things feel very different. I don’t even think about where we are going or what it will be like because I know I can do it. I feel relaxed and capable, maybe with a slight feeling of excitement and trepidation. Unlike before I feel this in a good way, a way that I can enjoy flowing through me. I am able to enjoy chatting with others and sharing good times. At the top I quickly click into my skis and wait impatiently for the others to be ready. Once we are all set, I tend to go straight over the edge and feel the effortlessness of falling into the turn, I get a cold rush of blood from my heart. It’s the same adrenaline rush from before but now it isn’t being channelled into fear. It energises me and makes my movement flow as I seamlessly make my way down the mountain.